A New Job!

So it is my first week at a new front desk but the same ridiculous experiences the highlights go to:

Naked Fat Man:

No I did not see him naked. The housekeeper did not knock loud enough for the guests to hear so she walked in on two guests. The guests were upset so the called the front desk. The wife called down to scream at us, the husband called, the wife came down to the desk, then the husband did the same. That is just about the time I walked in. The man was screaming “I was NAKED!” Um ok I did not need the mental image. Clearly it was not on purpose unless you look like Lance Armstrong with one more ball (we had a group of competitive bikers staying at the hotel that week, don’t judge.)

So I think the housekeepers are going to start knocking louder from now on.

Drugs are Baaaad:

No but seriously...

when you stand at the front desk for 20 minutes so we can have security walk you to your room because you forgot your room key and then you say “Yo, It was in my pocket the while time…” Does not give it away. It’s the fact the you smell like you bathed in bong water dude.

Prima Donna:

I get a phone call from room service…

Room Service: So why are we sending wine to the lady?

Me: She could not get the 26^th floor so we had to put her on the 25^th and she was upset

RS: I was wondering because she yelled at us saying we should have known she hated red wine and she only drinks white wine. Also, she likes to have snacks with her wine.

Me : (long sigh) kill me

You Want Me To Stick My Key Card Where?!?

Yes, working at the front desk can be a fun and exciting task. My weekends consist of watching other people having fun, drinking too much, and embarrassing themselves in front of strangers (i.e. me.) There was a fraternity reunion at the hotel this weekend and although the frat boys were somewhat well behaved, there were still a few exceptions.

The Biggest Loser:

As a guess, I would say this man was not a male model. OK... he was pushing probably 400 lbs. Why do I tell you this you ask? Simply because he was piss drunk by 9pm., could not find his room, forgot his name, and his pants were falling down. Believe me when I say, I was not asking myself "boxers or briefs?"
The next morning I checked him out and he did not remember me. Well, maybe he was hoping I forgot about the incident the night before. To him I say... I know what you did last night Mwhahahaaaa!
Now please buy a belt.

Sex Addiction 101:

Dear man who bought a room and ordered six movies after being checked in an hour before,
We know you have a hooker and that you are watching porn. We only comped the movies because we felt bad for you. We had to sterilize the room one you left to get rid of the hooker/ smell of your hair grease. You are icky.

Little Miss Pain-in-the-Ass:

There is a guest that frequents the hotel. I always recognize her because you always recognize the crazy ones. When I check her in it goes like this:

"Here are your room keys.
No mam, no one will mug you outside in the parking lot.
We have valet parking... OK I understand that you like to park your own car but of you dislike our parking garage.... yes mam we have security at the parking lot. No mam the homeless people do not kill hotel guests."

Sometimes I feel underpaid.

The Last Headache

Have you ever seen a movie preview and thought… “You could not pay me enough money to watch that?”

I mean so bad that the previews are hard to watch?

Now I am by no means a movie critic. There are often times I will watch long drawn out Lifetime movies, Rock-of-Love marathons, and even insanely outrageous infomercials, (the E-Z Cracker is my current favorite.) Every once in a while there is that one movie that is so bad looking and not the funny kind that Syfy airs. The kind where I just want to ram my head against the wall to get the theme some out of my head. Or in this case, Miley Cyrus’s mug. That’s right, you guessed it. The movie I am referring to is, “The Last Song” starring Miley Cyrus and her boyfriend, the hot Australian dude. I think he has a name but I really don’t care. He’s hot and from Australia so that’s all anyone should have to know about him.



On a side note, and Melissa this one goes out to you. According to the “rules of men” that Melissa and I have came up with, normally the really hot ones are not allowed to talk because it most likely makes them less attractive. In this case however, he is allowed to talk because he has a hot accent. Don’t worry; I will post the rules in a later post.

Ok, back to the terrible movie.
This makes me think of other terrible movies that make me cringe at the preview…. even when it is on mute and I close my eyes.
For example:

Anything starring Miley Cyrus
Picture This

The only redeeming quality about this movie is that it is based off of a Nicolas Sparks book. Having met him while he visited Stockton College while I was a student, makes me like him more. His books are all sappy love novels and I will admit that after reading “A Walk to Remember” I cried. Rachael McAdams, Mandy Moore, now Miley Cyrus? Have they heard her talk at all? Also, she is not even wearing training bras yet and she is the romantic lead? This is not good.

I cannot wait until this movie stops playing in theaters so I no longer have to suffer through the previews.

Welcome to... Jerseylicious!

This is a real show, I repeat… this is real!!!

Ok I will admit that when MTV’s Jersey Shore first came out I was mortified. Being a Jersey native myself, I did not want people to think I was an orange, obnoxious, slut. After watching it a few times (I tried really hard not to), I found it hysterical. It is also a little confusing how so many guys can have six packs and still look completely unattractive but once again, I do not have time to explain what is wrong with guidos.

Let’s just leave it at… yuck

In this clip, one guidette brings her new boyfriend into the salon where she works to spray tan him. The girl did it to piss off one of the other guidette who was recently broken up with this man.

Ladies, you are fighting over a man who spray tans!

I am pretty sure that if that was not already on my deal breaker list, then it is now. Right along with having a soul patch and wearing guyliner.

Anyway.. In this clip, the ex-girl friend explains that she had broken up with him because he had bought her tickets to a Spice Girl concert but then ended up taking an ex-girlfriend!

A man who spray tans and watches the Spice girls... are we sure he did not take an ex-boyfriend?
Either way, it makes me laugh.

Brina's a Bitch!

No , Sabrina is not really a bitch.


This is my nephew and a word he picked up from his parents.

You Want Me To Stick My Key Card Where?!

Ok, so I have been neglecting my blog…

In the weeks that I have not written I have managed to make a girl cry, get stuck at the train station with a crazy homeless woman, and witness a medical emergency.

Also, the rotating door is broken at work because a woman tried to take a pull cart through the door. Not a smart move.

One of my friends at work did experience an interesting happening. She checked in a guest who was a young man. He approached her and flirted with her as she checked him into the room. She called him to make sure everything was OK in the room and he casually invited her up to the room. She declined the invite and thought it was funny. The next day he walks up to the front desk with a wife and two kids by his side. I found out the next day in the email she sent to me labeled, “men are dogs.”

Now to explain how I made the girl cry:

The woman tried to check into her room but did not have a credit card at hand. She needed to pay for the room so she ran to the ATM but her was still coming up short on cash. Frantic, she approached the desk and the tears fell. We managed to get her card number and she was checked in. She went to her room and I went home knowing that made someone cry.

As for the medical emergency, it happened while I was on the train.

On my way to work, the train was stopped at the stop before my exit route. The train was not moving for a little while and the speaker announced, “We need medical assistance in the back.” I was slightly disappointed that they didn’t say the cliché, “Is there a doctor in the building!?!” but I have come to terms with that. The woman next to me was wearing scrubs, who I later found out is a nurse, walked to the back of the train to assist the guest. Seconds later, an older man in an Army garb runs to the back of the train too. When the nurse returned, she explained what had happened:

There was a 58 year old man who could feel that he was about to get a stroke. The nurse went to check his vitals and assist until the ambulance came. The Army man then ran in and as described by the nurse, “smelled like the whole liquor store.” He went to the man having the stroke and tried to take his pulse and unbutton his shirt. The nurse and man both protested and were able to get the man away. Not sure how, maybe they threw a bottle of scotch out the window and he ran after it? Anyway…as it turns out, this was his third stroke. The ambulance came and hopefully he has been put on prescription meds.

ps... I really need help on how to post pictures!! ugh

Happy St. Patty's Day!

I know what you are thinking.
Why didn't I think of this first!
Well the credit goes to my friend Melissa.
Last year we went to Philadelphia looking green beer and car bombs. Another thing you should know about Melissa is that she is a redhead. St. Patty's Day seems to be a very popular day for her. On this particular day she was getting men from all angles. One of which even walked by us on the street and whispered, "I love your red hair" into her ear as we crossed the street. Yes, it was creepy. Yes, it was inappropriate. Yes, it gave us an idea!

Later when we discussed why she was being bombarded at the bars she said, "I guess guys just want to be able to say they fucked a redhead on St. Patty's Day."
Thus, the "I fucked a red head T-shirt" was born.

Some redheads may be offended by this t-shirt and I am fully aware of that. However, I do not apologize for this garment. This is really just a mere test. I mean yes, you can wear green, drink Guinness, pick of four leaf clover, or capture a leprechaun, but how many people can honestly say they fucked a redhead on St. Patty's?
OK the catching a leprechaun may be a bit difficult but I offer a better option. Go bang a ginger.
What better way do you honesty think there is to honor the old country?
Also, this is probably the only holiday Kathy Griffin gets some action.
Happy St. Patty's!!!

You Want Me To Stick My Key Card Where?!

I work in a hotel and crazy things happen...

Yesterday:

A man approached me inquiring about a job. When I told him he had to go online to apply, he explained how he wanted to get a fast job so he can afford a greyhound ticket to Miami for a mixed marshal arts training school.

Weird...

Today:

One of the guests was charged a fine for covering their room in orange juice.
There is such a thing as getting too much vitamin C.

You Want Me To Stick My Key Card Where?!

There is one thing you should know about me.
I work at a hotel in the gambling capital of the east coast. I work at the front desk and come into contact with hundreds of people a day. I have decided to start a memoir describing some of the more interesting events.

Also, you should know that on this particular day there was a dance team and a wrestling team staying at the hotel.

Enjoy.

I checked in a woman whose husband's name was Jan.

Two men from Kentucky told me about horseback riding.

they left their luggage with the bellman and never told them a room number or got a ticket.

A disgruntled woman freaked out about leaving her glasses in the car that was being valeted. She was wearing her prescription sunglasses and did not realize the glasses were missing until she was inside.

A very frantic old woman came in with an entourage of family members and was complaining about how she was upset about traffic and how she had to pee. Right before she ran to the bathroom she threw her head around and said, "lady, this is my husband. Give him my room keys!" i have never seen an old woman run so fast.

A guest brought a metal park bench with them for their stay.

I checked in a woman who was staying at the employee friend rate. She was rude and demanded an upgrade. When i told her that upgrades were an extra charge she refused the upgrade. She leaned over the counter only to reveal that her bra was sticking out of her shirt. She continued bitching about her room but I could not stop worrying about whether i was going to be a victim of indecent exposure.

A young male came up to me asking if a Stacy was staying in the hotel. Moments later, another hotel employee kicked him out of the hotel. I later found out that he was roaming around the room floors knocking on doors looking for someone named Stacy. When asked who Stacy was he said, "my aunt." Not a likely story.

A high school boy attempted to ask a girl to prom by posting signs in the lobby reading, "prom?" with arrows pointing to him. good luck!

Last but not least:

A tween boy jumped out and scared me as a left the bathroom. Apparently he thought I was his friend.

Today my check-ins included:

1 uni-brow

2 hot dads

1 hot coach's assistant missing a key

I lost count of the amount of tween girls asking for room keys

Kardashian Buns?

Kim Kardashian has a new line of work out videos called “Fit in your Jeans by Friday.”

At first I was mortified by the thought of Kim Kardashian telling me how to work out. The woman who is famous for having a sex tape and a big ass is telling me how to do lunges? I had to see it for myself.

I was relieved to find out that she is not teaching these classes but she is following an instructor who is doing the exercises. The video consists of a tomboy woman in really good shape shouting out fitness maneuvers while Kim hangs out on the side wearing a ridiculous outfit muttering gibberish like, “wow, I’m sweating” and “I always forget to suck in my stomach so that’s why I am wearing a corset.”
Thank you for justifying your wardrobe Kim. I was wondering why you were dressed like a mix between a stripper and cat-woman. It sure is nice to have that cleared up.

Her fitness video collection includes three titles: Ultimate Butt Body Sculpt, Amazing Abs, and Butt Blasting Cardio Step. With the exception of Amazing Abs, her marketing team was sure to focus on her backside. To be quite honest, I half expected the videos to include strange closeups on her ass as the video progressed. Sorry guys, only front views of the famous Kardashian bum were included.
The Ultimate Butt Body Sculpt as describes on the website:

The no-excuse 5 minute Bonus Butt Blast “Tush Push” combines isometric contractions and holds with waist whittling crunches. Blast for five minutes to tone and tighten your backside- what better way to flaunt your curves and strut your stuff! It’s the perfect tune-up before a night out in your favorite denim.

It takes more than great genes to have a great butt, and this workout will have you feeling fabulous and ensure you’ll Fit In Your Jeans By Friday

The term "Tush Push" scares me.
Despite her dumb remarks and wacky outfits, she did make it cool for girls to have big asses.
For that, I love her.

Ultimate Butt Body Sculpt
Amazing Abs
Butt Blasting Cardio Step

Hairstyles Women Hate

I came across this article where the author counts down the worst haircuts of all time for men.

I have to say, she hit the nail on the head.

In my opinion, she did miss out on a very important one:

The Blowout-

Thank you Jersey Shore.

Thank you so much for bringing us men who self tan, wax their chests, and fist pump. Right now I am just going to start at the top because let’s be honest, there is not enough time in the day for me to discuss all that is wrong with Guidos.
The blowout. What is this you ask? The man/fist pumper himself takes a brush and hair sprays the crap out of his head. Once two or three cans of Aqua Net are used, and maybe one can of axe body spray, the person of question points the hairdryer at the hair and brushes upward. Finishing off with a few more cans of hairspray to set the style and there you have it! Your very own blowout!

If I wanted someone who spent more time on their hair than me I would marry Adam Lambert. Oh, that’s right. He’s gay! The rule is, you are only allowed to spend more time on your hair than a woman if you are gay. If you plan on finding a woman with that do then good luck.

Celebs have known for years that great hair can be bought. No, we don’t mean extensions or weird hairpieces, we're talking about the combination of the right haircut and the right styling product that can take your look from so-so to so fine. A bad cut, however, can make women avoid you like H1N1. To help you in your quest to woo the opposite sex, we’ve compiled a list of the top hairstyles women hate so that you’ll know what to avoid on your next trip to the barber, and we’ve also suggested alternatives guaranteed to make females swoon at your feet.

Mullet

Otherwise known as the “business in the front, party in the back” haircut, the mullet is possibly the most ill-advised hairstyle ever conceived. Short when seen from the front or sides, but long in the back, there’s really nothing right about a mullet.

Read the full article

Morning After Kit?

So you have heard of the morning after pill? What about the morning after kit?
Well it has not really been invented until now. I will explain:

One morning during my senior year of college, a group of us girls were waking up after a night of club hopping and shot taking. One of my good friends stumbles in to explain how she stayed over at a guy’s place for the night and how she was not sure if all precautions were used the night before. This prompted us, in our hungover glory, to assemble a list of items that should be included in a “morning after kit.” This kit is to include everything you would need to ensure all precautions when going home with a gentlemen caller and also items not only recover from a hangover, but also to look and feel fantastic.
Too Faced makeup brand must have gotten the memo about this wonderful idea because they came up with the:

Walk of Shame Set



The Description says:

The Walk of Shame Set by Too Faced is an all-you-need overnight survival kit to plan for that spontaneous dusk-till-dawn rendezvous!

The Walk Of Shame set will get you out the door and walking home without the shame (hot shower and excuses not included)!

Even the Bag has a purpose:

Super Chic Bag: All satin and ruffles, this lingerie-inspired clutch works from last call to wake up call.

Provided the inebriated lady carrying this makeup bag does not drop it in a gutter as she finds her way to the closest bedroom, I would say we have a winner here. Yes, this bag is missing some important items such as the extra pair of panties, plan B pills, and Gatorade but I give them an A for effort.

Walk of Shame Set $38.00

My New Favorite Movie

500 Days of Summer




I have always been a fan of quirky love movies but I hate sappy endings.
You know:
The ones where it’s raining and the guy runs to catch the girl of his dreams at the airport. He arrives right as she is about to board the plane and calls out her name. She turns to see his face and she drops her bags and realizes how much she loves him. He sees her and runs toward her. She runs toward him as well. A sappy love song begins and so does the slow motion. He leaps over a small child, three bags of luggage and a golden retriever. She does not attempt this wild jumping technique because, duh, she is wearing heels and a five hundred dollar dress made of silk and stitched together by angels from fashion heaven. They meet in the middle and embrace. The slow motion ends but Phil Collins keeps on singing. The man apologizes for doing something that he did earlier in the movie but either I don’t care or it was really dumb. Let’s just say his friends paid him to date her and then he fell in love with her. This seems to be a common one. She forgives him, I mean after all he did just jump over a golden retriever for her. Nothing says love like jumping over man’s best friend. Despite the bet and cheesy remarks he has made they embrace and kiss. Now the music gets louder and the camera zooms out.

This movie caught my attention right away with the phrase:

This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know up front, this is not a love story.

No sappy ending, Zooey Deschanel, and music by Regina Spektor? It might as well have been covered in chocolate. I needed to see this movie. Not to worry, but I will not ruin it for anyone.

Enjoy.

Next Dancing With the Stars

Do not miss the next season's Premier episode of Dancing with The Stars.
The opener should knock your socks off...


My grandmother send this to me in an email. It is clearly photo-shopped but still kinda funny.

Intro

Let's see. I want to start a blog but what would people want my advice on? I am not particularly good at finding my dream job or a perfect partner. I guess that makes me normal, advice from one normal girl to another.
I believe that every part of our lives shapes us. I am not a big fan of fate or destiny but I do believe that when something happens, there is something to take from that experience. In actuality, we learn to not make the same mistake twice. So let’s be honest, who really learns something the easy way anyway? Yes, it would be easier but it is not nearly as fun to look back on the time you didn’t date that guy, buy that dress, or wear that lipstick shade. Whether the excuse was “It was in style.” or “but he was on the football team.” It still makes for a great lesson.